The Tyranny of Must and Should

“I must decorate the house.” “I should loose some weight.” “I really must tidy up the garden.” “I should get a promotion or a new job.” “I should make sure my kids have a home cooked meal at the table every night, using cutlery and table manners.” “I should keep busy.” Whose thoughts are these? They are in my head, but I’m not sure they are really mine.

The clues are in the “musts” and “shoulds.”  Pretty much any time we notice ourselves or someone else using these words, there is another voice present. And surprise, surprise, it’s often a parent, although it could be a teacher, friend, boss or partner.

When we are children, our parents are there to watch over us every minute, to keep us safe, teach us to behave well and be sociable.  As we get older, teachers and other adults also take on part of this role. By the time we are old enough to act independently and look after ourselves without constant supervision, we have internalised the voices of our parents and teachers.  Even though they are not physically there to watch over us, their voices are inside us, keeping us safe, well-behaved and sociable.

A child starts to walk to school on their own and their parent’s voice inside their head reminds them to look carefully before they cross the road.  Teenagers are starting to think for themselves, and reject some of this parental guidance, but nevertheless, the internal parental voice will guide them some of the time, though probably not as often as the parents would like.

Parental voices become our conscience and our guide. Our values and moral compass are developed out of these voices, and our inner health and safety monitor is too. Most of the time, this is a good thing. It keeps us safe. It helps us uphold good values. It helps us fit into society and hold down jobs. Most of the people who created our internal dialogue meant well! We should be grateful to them.

But sometimes these voices create a prison of “musts” that don’t serve us so well. “I must tidy the house,” is ok if it stops the house from becoming an unsanitary tip, but not so good if it means I can never relax in my own house. “I must get a promotion” could help me to work hard and achieve my potential, which could be satisfying, but it could also prevent me from seeing what will really bring me satisfaction at work and take me into a role that doesn’t meet my creative needs. “I must keep busy” makes me very productive, but sometimes stops me from enjoying the present moment or taking time to reflect.

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So, maybe it is time to notice all those “musts” and “shoulds” in our internal dialogue, and ask how well they are serving us. It is time to notice who exactly is telling us what to do and how to behave and whether we still like their advice. We need a little quiet time with ourselves to find our true selves and intentions. We need to find values and goals that reflect our authentic selves.

i genuinely would like my kids to have a healthy meal as a family most nights, but no harm will come to us if we eat pizza with our fingers in front of the telly once a week. In fact, it is fun and brings us closer. I do like stretch, creativity and challenge at work, but a promotion isn’t necessarily my best path to a satisfying role. I like to potter about in the garden, and it doesn’t matter if it is a bit untidy; in fact it might even encourage the wildlife. As long as the house isn’t a health hazard, it is fine. And being healthy is more important to me than being thin.

Fourteen Books That Might Change Your Life

image.jpegLike Hermione Granger, if in doubt I go to the library. Many times in my life, I have been full of doubt or negativity, and the right book has come along at the right time to help me turn things around.

So, these are the books which have changed my life at different times.  I’m not saying they are the best spiritual guides out there, just that they are the books that came and spoke to me at the right time in my life.  Maybe it is a right time in your life for one of these books!

Benjamin Hoff – The Tao of Pooh

I was given this book as a teenager, by my Mum, and it was my first introduction to Eastern philosophy.  It’s a simple book, but was very comforting at the time. It makes Taoism very accessible.

Anne Dickenson – Assertiveness

I found this book as a teenager, just as I was getting into feminism and political activism.  I was a very unassertive teenager, and this book helped me claim my right to express my point of view.

Carl Rogers – Client Centred Therapy

His concept of unconditional positive regard is a beautiful one, and learning to extend acceptance and warmth to others, we inevitably learn to extend it to ourselves as well. This book changed my relationship with m,y clients, but also with myself.

Thich Nhat Hanh – Peace Is Every Step

This is a beautiful and easy introduction to mindfulness and meditation from a Vietnamese monk.  He is super practical and gives mindfulness activities that you can do while washing up, in a traffic jam or answering the phone. This book helped me appreciate the beauty in the present moment long before I did any kind of meditation course.  I have to thank my step-father for this gift.

Martin Seligman – Learned Optimism

I read this whilst the organisation I work for was going through a major restructure and redundancy exercise. This book helped me to recognise some pessimistic thought patterns that were making me feel mildly depressed, and I was able to re-write my internal script with the help of this book, and feel a lot more optimistic. Seligman is a leading expert on cognitive behavioural therapy and positive psychology, and this book is very practical.

Patanjali – Yoga Sutras

I first read the Sutras when I was doing a Yoga Mind course with my yoga teacher, Ade Belcham.  This book and the discussions we had transformed my whole understanding of yoga and changed they way I think about my practice quite profoundly.  It’s often said that the Sutras are like an onion and you need to peel away the layers with each read, and I think that is true. Definitely one to re-read.

Martha Beck – Finding Your Own North Star

This is a career development book that both annoyed and challenged me. Beck’s book is a guide to finding your true calling or dream job, and I often find these sorts of career books slightly annoying, for reasons I will explain in a future post. But this book did really challenge me to identify what I really wanted to achieve with my working life. It’s career planning with a spiritual heart, and that is much needed in the modern world.

Donna Farhi – Bringing Yoga to Life

This is a wise guide to taking the lessons of yoga off your mat and into real life. A lot of what she says about yoga at different stages of life really resonated with me and inspired me to deepen my practice.

Tara Brach – Radical Acceptance

This book takes mindfulness and meditation a bit further, and talks a lot about acceptance (as the title implies) – of difficult emotions, limitations, loss – and gives brilliant guidance on how to sit with those difficulties and just let them be.

Carol Dwek -Mindset

Dwell has researched the difference between the fixed and growth mindset and through many experiments, has shown the power of the growth mindset. This book made me very conscious of the language I use, with myself, my kids and at work. It gave me confidence that it is ok to make mistakes and more important to focus on learning and getting out of my comfort zone.

Sheryl Sandberg – Lean In

Sandberg’s book was quite controversial when it was published, but it gave me  the professional kick up the backside I needed, at a time of self-doubt.  It’s a call to professional women to stretch themselves at work rather than hideout in the shadows.

Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Seagal and Jon Kabat-Zinn – The Mindful Way Through Depression

This was my introduction to structured mindfulness and I first did the eight week mindfulness programme from this book.  There is a great CD of guided meditations that comes with it, which I still go back to if I need some focus. Karat-Zinn has a lovely voice that instantly makes me feel peaceful. It’s also a very clear explanation of the theory of mindfulness, and you definitely don’t need to be depressed to read it.

The Charisma Myth – Olivia Fox Cabane

This sounds like it is going to be an awful book for people who want to make it in sales or as the next CEO, but it is actually a rather lovely book that is very rooted in mindfulness and body awareness.   She talks a lot about the power of “presence” and developing real listening skills, about developing more positive mental dialogue and being more aware of body language and how that both influences your own mental state and how others respond to you.  It’s more a book about how to be your best authentic self than how to perform for others. Great if you are training, chairing meetings, networking, or influencing people.

Eastern Body Western Mind – Anodea Judith

This is my current read. It’s a fascinating guide to the chakras, explaining them using concepts from Western psychology. The chakras are linked to life stages and developmental tasks as well as energy flows, and this book explains how childhood experiences can impact on the energy balance we experience as adults, and the behaviour and thought patterns we enact.

I hope one of these books speaks to you as well, at a time you need it.

Which books have changed your life? You are welcome to add to this list in the comments.

I Can’t Do It …. Yet

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“Yet” is a super powerful word.  “I can’t do it yet” is a statement full of possibility. It is the statement of someone who is on a journey of self-creation and learning, rather than someone who has reached their final destination.

But more often we say “I can’t do it,” a statement of permenance and finality. “I can’t do it” is an admission of failure, a denial of the possibility of growth.  There is no point in re-visiting the goal or of working to improve if we think our capabilities are static.

Leg behind the head pose (eka pada sirsasana) is a pose that I can’t do yet, but I’ve only recently added the yet to that statement.  I’ve tried this pose now and again over the years, thought “I can’t do it” and left it at that. I haven’t included it in my daily practice or made it part of my yoga journey.

And maybe I will never get my leg behind my head. After all, I have been doing yoga for over twenty years, and I’m now in my forties, so perhaps the odds are against me. But since I’ve never practiced it every day, I don’t really know.

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“I can’t do it yet,” allows for more possibility. I can practice this pose every day, and see where it takes me. Maybe I will get my leg behind my head, or maybe I will end up somewhere else (elbow behind the knee or toe below the chin perhaps). It will have been a journey though; I won’t be quite the same person at the end.

People with a growth mindset see their abilities as something malleable, that can be changed and developed with hard work and perseverance. Their identity is not based on a fixed set of characteristics, but on their journey of development. They are more willing to challenge themselves and risk failure, because failure does not threaten their identity.  And because they challenge themselves, they learn more.  Research by Carol Dweck  shows that people with a growth mindset are more successful in learning and work.

People with a fixed mindset believe their abilities are static. Their identity is based on their current skills and abilities. For those with a fixed mindset, mistakes can be a serious threat to their positive sense of identity. If I think of myself as clever, and I do badly on a test, that must mean that I am not clever after all. If I think of myself as good at my job, and then I make a mistake, that must mean I am bad at my job, rather than simply having a development need. There is no point in practicing when this will only reinforce my sense of failure.

Since the willingness to challenge ourselves, to practice and to make good use of feedback are important for career development, as well as for getting your leg behind your head, a growth mindset is worth cultivating. People who seek out feedback learn things they help them progress. People who step out of their comfort zone sometimes achieve things they would never have thought possible.

How often do we look at a job vacancy, notice the one desired skill that we are not confident of, and say “I can’t do it,” and talk ourselves out of an application?  Apparently women are more prone to this than men. When we do this, we close down a new opportunity instead of considering the possibility of developing a new skill once in the job, or even asking for training.

Many of us will have day dreamed about setting up a little business.  Self employment is bound to involve some new skills.  The more we see our skills and abilities as changeable, the more open we will be to taking on the challenge of a career change. We will have faith in our ability to learn new skills such as marketing on social media or looking after tax returns and accounts, as we need them.

“Yet” can also invite a problem solving approach. Imagine you want to go back to study, but you are don’t have the time or money. “I can’t do it” means you might as well forget about it and stop hankering after something you can’t have. “I can’t do it yet” commits you to future possibilities and starts the process of planning and problem solving so that one day you can. Maybe there is a way to find the time or money after all, even if it can’t happen right now.

When we work with learners on a training programme, we use the phrase “not yet competant”. This conveys our belief in the learner’s potential to achieve, with a bit of hard work and practice. And most of the time they do, as long as they accept the need for a bit of hard graft.  Learners who are committed to their studies undergo a huge transformation in their abilities and confidence.

A simple way to get started in developing a growth mind set is to notice every time you say, “I can’t do it” and simply add the word “yet”.

 

Nudging People Towards Behavioural Change

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There can be all sorts of reasons that we mind want to change someone else’s behaviour, but it’s often a frustrating task. On the whole, people carry on behaving as they have always done, unless some internal conflict causes them to change. Information by itself is not enough to change behaviour. We all know we should eat more fruit and vegetables, yet we carry on eating chocolate.

This  can be frustrating for people in the helping professions, policy makers, parents and spouses.  We can see how someone should change their behaviour for the better but we are powerless to make them change.

Fortunately there are some interesting findings about what actually does cause behaviour change, and we can use them to nudge people in the right direction. Paul Dolan has created the  MINDSPACE  model to help policy makers with problems as diverse as reducing crime and tackling obesity. These principles can equally be applied in organisations or when working with individuals.

– Maybe you are a career coach who wants to motivate a client to pursue her dreams or at least research her options thoroughly

– Maybe you are a mindfulness teacher who wants to encourage students to do a daily practice

– Or a Careers Adviser who needs a teenager to start getting up in the morning and get to training on time

– Or a teacher convincing Year 11 to start doing some revision

– Or anyone running an appointment system who wants customers to just TURN UP for their appointments.

Whatever challenge you are facing, there is something useful in this model for you. There are nine principles, and you can use MINDSPACE to help you remember them.

So, here goes….

Messenger – the person giving the message about behaviour change needs to be credible or likeable, as we are hugely influenced by who gives the messages. A role model who perceived to be similar to us will be influential, but so will a respected expert.

Incentives – we prefer to avoid losses rather then gain new things, so if you give somebody something and then attempt to take it away from them, they will value it more. That is why free trials work.  We also prefer small and immediate payoffs rather than larger payoffs in the future, so if you want to persuade someone to practice a new skill, focus on the benefit they will notice immediately.

Norms – we are stongly influenced by what other people are doing, and if in doubt we will follow the crowd. So if you want people to keep their appointments, put up a poster that says “90% of our customers keep their appointments and that helps us keep waiting times short” rather than “10% of our customers miss their appointments which makes waiting times longer”. People won’t feel bad about missing an appointment if they think everyone else is doing the same.

Defaults – we tend to go with the pre-set options unless we have a good reason not to. This is why Welsh Government have introduced a system whereby it is assumed you will donate your organs unless you actively opt out. Employers can encourage people to take up pensions by making this something that you actively have to opt out of.

Salience – we are drawn to new things and novelties, or things that seem particularly relevant to us. Presenting salads in a novel way can encourage people to eat them. Taking pupils out of school for a new experience can encourage changes.

Priming – if we are exposed to certain sensory cues, this can influence out later choices, without us having any awareness of the connection. Asking people whether they intend to do something in a survey actually makes it more likely that they will do it.  So, if you survey a year eleven group, and ask whether they intend to visit a college open day, you increase the number who actually attend.

Affect – emotional responses can override rational decision-making. If you get people into a good mood they will make more optimistic choices, while people in a bad mood will be more pessimistic. Creating a sense of hope with a teenager, for example, will make them more likely to take the risk of applying for a job or opportunity.

Commitment – once we make commitments public or write them down, we are more likely to follow through. Getting someone to write down their own action plan will increase commitment. We generally try to make our behaviour consistent with our public commitments.

Ego – If our behaviour and our beliefs about ourselves are in conflict, we will often change our behaviour, so gently drawing attention to a conflict between the two can be a great way to increase motivation to change. We like to behave in ways that allow us to maintain a positive image of ourselves and we like to believe we are more consistent than we actually are.

Is all this a bit manipulative? Well, yes it is.  We are using techniques that can alter people’s behaviour, outside their conscious awareness.

Is it unethical?  Probably not as long as we are acting in the other person’s best interests.  After all, our decisions are being influenced all the time by our perceptions  of the environment and in using the MINDSPACE principles, all we are doing is tweaking the environment to make certain decisions more likely. Is it more ethical to make a conscious decision to put fruit in the most high profile position in the canteen and nudge people towards buying it, or to leave the sweets there because that is where they have always been? I think the nudge is ethical, because it is done with the best interests of the diners at heart.

So, next time you need to persuade a student to practice, a customer to keep an appointment, a child to do their homework or a client to get out of bed in the mornings, think about how you can apply these findings!

For more reading on this subject I thoroughly recommend “Nudge” by Thaler and Sunstein.

Getting Comfortable with Discomfort

“One can choose to go back towards safety or forward towards growth. Growth must be chosen again and again, fear must be overcome again and again.” So said Abraham Maslow, and he did know a thing or two about personal growth, self-actualisation and the hierarchy of human needs.

Every day we are faced with the choice of whether to take the safe and comfortable option, the familiar path, or whether to do something new and challenging even though it makes us uncomfortable.  If we take the safe option, we know we will feel ok but it’s unlikely we will learn anything new about ourselves or the world. If we take the riskier option, we could fail, but even if we do we will be learning something new and growing our capabilities. To grow to our full potential we need to be challenged and exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking.

A good reflective activity is to think about what we have done in the last few weeks that has stretched us.  I’ve often sat down with clients and helped them map out their comfort zones, stretch zones and panic zones as a diagram.

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The comfort zone is those tasks that are easy, unchallenging and possibly relaxing. My comfort zone is the routine of dealing with my usual work tasks, working with my regular team, relaxing over a TV series with my family, curling up with a good book, catching up with my close friends, my drive to work, my regular yoga class. I enjoy most of these activities but they don’t challenge me.

The stretch zone is the activities which make us a little anxious, because they are challenging or unfamiliar.  My stretch zone currently includes delivering webinars, training managers on new areas of work, going to a new yoga teacher and travelling on my own.  I recently did a zip wire activity high up (with harnesses) with my kids and took my 94 year old grandmother shopping with her new buggy; the activities were challenging in quite different ways. Work activities that I haven’t done for a while often sit here (configuring the annual appraisal process, for example) as do new tasks for which I already have the skills (planning an assessment centre). Receiving critical feedback or complaints is also a stretch; it’s never entirely comfortable.  These activities made me nervous, but in the end I was really glad I had done them, and I felt more confident in my abilities as a result.

My yoga teacher has recently introduced Hanumanasana (monkey pose or the splits) to our yoga class. It is definitely not in our comfort zone but there is something exciting about it and it does create a buzz in the class.

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Every time we do these stretch activities we grow a little. We learn more about ourselves by seeing what works and what doesn’t. Sometimes we find we are capable of more than we thought. When we succeed it is a real achievement. If we get comfortable with these activities through repetition, they become part of our comfort zone and the comfort zone grows bigger.

The panic zone is the activities which are too much of a stretch and we aren’t ready for them so there is high chance of failure.  In the panic zone we can’t think straight so we may not learn so much. My panic zone includes sorting out certain technical problems with the computer, climbing without harnesses (I am a bit scared of heights), karaoke (based on a traumatic experience of auditioning for the school choir 30 years ago – I didn’t say it was rational!), picking up big spiders and dropping back into a back bend in yoga ( even with the teacher holding me, I just can’t do it).  The panic zone is generally not such a useful place for growth, and may even be downright dangerous. However, sometimes it’s possible to build up to these activities in small steps, (holding gradually bigger and bigger spiders, for example) so that what was previously in the panic zone becomes part of the stretch zone.

In yoga there is a similar concept to the stretch zone, sometimes referred to as the edge. Stretching to your full extent is definitely uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t be painful. We are always looking for this point of challenge in yoga, and then using the breath to find steadiness and ease at the edge of our current ability.  We bring mindful awareness to all the physical sensations, recognising when to keep stretching and when to back off. We also notice thoughts and feelings that arise (“when can we stop?”, “I think I’m doing quite well”, “why am I so stiff?”, “I used to be able to this better”) and learn to let them go, bringing focus back to the breath and body. The impulse might be to come out of the pose but we learn not to mindlessly follow the impulse but to notice it and then decide what to do for the best.

This can be a great bit of yoga learning to take off the mat and into real life. In our working lives and in making career changes we often need to put ourselves in the uncomfortable stretch zone area to achieve our goals. A young person might need to pluck up courage to travel on their own to an open day. A career changer might need to approach a potential employer to find out about opportunities. A competitive job interview is rarely in the comfort zone.  A new manager will be in the stretch zone as they work out how to relate to colleagues in different way. A manager might need to have a difficult conversation with a team member or introduce changes to their area of work. Organisational change always brings a level of discomfort to everyone involved.  Uncomfortable situations provoke anxiety, and our anxiety can impact on those around us if we are not aware enough to manage it.

This is where mindful awareness of reactions to stretching activities can be so helpful. When asked to do a challenging activity, one impulse might be to make an excuse for why it can’t be done. However, by noticing that impulse as it arises, we can chose whether to respond in that way, or choose another response. In approaching a difficult conversation, mindful awareness of bodily reactions and facial expressions can serve as a reminder to ground ourselves first with some deep breaths and compassionate thoughts before tackling the conversation. We can spot a self-critical inner voice that only serves to make us feel anxious about a high stakes event, and choose whether to believe it or not.

By learning to pay attention to our reactions in uncomfortable situations we can learn to feel our way through them mindfully. We can learn the difference between uncomfortable stretch and the sort of pain or panic that means we should back off. We can learn to notice our thoughts and know that they are just temporary mental events rather than reality. By being more aware of impulses, we can take control of them rather than mindlessly responding to them. Self awareness helps us to find a level of comfort in discomfort.  It is ok to be uncomfortable!

 

 

 

Intuitive Decision Making

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Career decisions can be tough decisions. We are often choosing between two or more options, with incomplete information; we may not know exactly what each option will really be like once we are immersed in it or how we will handle the challenges. We may have two or more good options, and we have to decide what kind of person we want to be – a freewheeling creative or a steady organiser, for example. On the other hand, we might be choosing between a rock and a hard place, and not be sure which option will best allow us to survive today and thrive tomorrow.

A logical way to make a decision is to list the pros and cons of each option and then analyse which option has the most weight on the benefits side. Most of us have probably done this at some point! It may or may not have helped.

A more sophisticated version of this would be to create a table, and list the main options in each row, and then have a series of columns to represent the main factors that you want to take into account (for example, pay, location, creativity, values). You can then score each option against each factor and add up the total score for each option.

Now, both these exercises can be useful thought experiments, but the latest research on how we make decisions suggests that we shouldn’t expect to make a good decision immediately after doing an exercise like this. (Blink by Malcom Gladwell is a great read on this subject).

The rational, logical parts of our brain can only analyse up to seven factors at a time, according to research, whereas most career decisions involve many more than seven factors (will I like the people? can I dress how I like? is there flexitime? what aspects might be boring but necessary? what will be challenging? what will my boss be like? is there a direct bus?), all of which will be differently weighted for us depending on our priorities.

For complex decisions, we generally make better decisions when we access our intuitive brains, which are able to sift through hundreds of factors, checking how they relate to our previous experiences, and then coming up with an answer which is signaled to us as an emotional reaction or physical sensation, our gut feeling. Logical processes can actually lure us into paying too much attention to certain factors, while missing out the more subtle factors and the weight we attach to each factor. For example, we might start to focus too much on pay, and ignore the impact that a tedious commute would have on us.

So after doing any kind of logical analysis of the options, we should put it away for at least a week, forget about it and allow our subconscious time to mull things over while we get on with our daily business.  Good tasks that allow the subconscious to get to work include complex puzzles, running, walking, yoga and meditation.

Liane Hambly introduced me to an exercise which is designed to help us access our intuitive decision making abilities. It can be done as a solo meditation, or a practitioner can guide a client through the process. The client does need to be willing, as this may be rather unexpected!

To work through the exercise, the decision-maker needs to close their eyes, and visualise one of their options. To make the vision seem more real, they can be guided to add a lot of detail – background noise, smells, how they are dressed, who is with them, colours, what exactly they are doing, how their whole day has been, what they have liked, what they have not liked, what family and friends are saying about it.

Once they have created this strong image of themselves inhabiting one of their options, they can be guided to take note of any physical sensations or emotional reactions. For example, they may notice a churning in their stomach, which could be anxiety or excitement or both. They may notice a light feeling of relief at being in the right place. There may be tension in the jaw, shoulders or face, suggesting some aversion to the situation.

The exercise can be repeated for a second option, again taking time to build up a strong sensory picture of what it would be like to inhabit the option, and taking note of the reactions.

Regular meditators will be used to concentrating and noticing their physical reactions, whilst other people may find it a bit more difficult and need more guidance. Before using this exercise with a client it’s important to get comfortable with it as a solo exercise.

Once you or client have noticed intuitive reactions to each option, the next stage is to explore their meaning. Fear of the unknown does not necessarily mean this is the wrong option. What would happen if the fear was overcome? How would that feel? Excitement does not necessarily mean something is the right option. Is there enough excitement to create the motivation to overcome practical difficulties or limited opportunities? More research may be needed.

Sometimes a strong intuitive sense of the right decision will emerge, and you or your client will be able to move forward confidently. Sometimes the choices are harder, perhaps because there are there are two equally good options. The intuitive voice may be more of a whisper, harder to hear in the chatter of daily life.  It’s important to create the quiet mental space to hear the intuitive whisper.

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Self Compassion as a Career Management Skill

Self-compassion is a skill that is often lacking in the workplace. We often drive ourselves very hard to achieve or simply to keep up, even when it damages our health. We don’t always cut ourselves a lot of slack when we struggle to balance our work life and family life or cope with challenging problems. Many people are dogged by a self-critical voice that pipes up every time a mistake is made with variations on the theme of “you just aren’t good enough” or “you should be ashamed to have made that mistake”. When faced with a new challenge, the inner critic reminds us that we probably won’t succeed and may just end up making a fool of ourselves.  Moreover, we often believe that we are the only people who suffer in this way.

Self-compassion is our ability to be kind, forgiving and accepting of ourselves.  It is our ability to care for ourselves in the same way we would care for a child or dear friend: with tolerance, warmth and nurturing. We can  be self-compassionate whilst recognising that we make mistakes and have many imperfections and limitations.

In that sense, it is different to self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence, which all invoke more evaluation of how good or bad a person we are (often in relation to others) or how good or bad at doing something we will be. There is a judgement involved and the positive evaluation of ourselves is often dependent on us achieving certain things.

Self-compassion is a warmth towards our selves simply based on the fact that we are human. We don’t need to be good at anything or successful at anything to be self-compassionate; we care for ourselves just as we are. In this respect, it is rather like Carl Roger’s concept of unconditional positive regard except it is directed towards ourselves instead of others.

There are many meditation practices that help people to develop self-compassion. One example consists of visualising a wise being who sees our inner most thoughts and secret actions and offers us warmth and acceptance just as we are.  You could also try this guided Befriending Meditation by Danny Penman.

In yoga, we learn to cultivate steadiness and ease in our bodies rather than strain, and learn to accept our physical limitations with kindness. It is a good lesson that can be taken off the mat and into our lives.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapists help their clients to be more aware of how their inner critic may be sabotaging them and teach their client to replace this voice with a more positive and encouraging voice. The client can learn to recognise where their internal narrative is critical, unkind or even abusive, and learn to challenge it. So if the inner voice says, “you are going to mess up this presentation” they can become aware of this thought, and consîder what evidence there is that the thought is actually true. There may in fact be evidence, perhaps previous successful presentations, that can be use during to challenge the inner critic.

So, why is self-compassion an important career management skill?  Self compassion helps us to be more accepting of difficult emotions, including fear, shame and anxiety. Most career changes involve some level of fear and anxiety, as we may worry that we could be making the wrong decision, that we might not be up to the job, that we might not be able to make a living, or that we will find it hard to adjust to a new environment. Self-compassion helps us to accept these difficult emotions as a normal part of life, rather than something to be avoided or hidden. If we accept them we can explore what they feel like rather than try to repress them or mask them as something else (possibly resentment, apathy, irritation or stuckness).

Self-compassion can also help us to take responsibility for mistakes,  be willing to listen to feedback and be more accountable for our actions. Instead of beating ourselves up for getting something wrong, we accept that mistakes are part of being human and we learn from them rather than hide them. This willingness to learn and develop helps us to cultivate the growth mindset which has been shown to be an important element for success. Wouldn’t any employer want to employ or develop the person who asks for feedback, takes responsibility for the outcomes of their work, and owns up to their mistakes whilst trying to put them right?

Self-compassion is also closely linked to compassion for others. Warmth towards ourselves is likely to increase feelings of warmth for others too, as we realise we are all on the same journey, experiencing the same range of feelings. Being able to form warm relationships with others is an important skill for networking, management and customer relationships. Warm and genuine relationships can help to generate opportunities, as others are more likely to approach us if they feel there’s is a genuine connection.

Imagine approaching a job interview with a genuine sense of both self compassion and compassion for others. We would accept that we were nervous and understand that everyone else probably is too. Maybe we could even extend that sense of compassion so that instead of despearately hoping that we’ll get the job, we offer the wish to the interviewers that they have the wisdom to pick the  best candidate for their organisation, and we offer the wish to both ourselves and the other candidates that we can all give our best performances. Sounds hard to do but it would probably lower the stakes and reduce our sense of desperation. And even when we make mistakes and don’t achieve our potential, self compassion allows us to forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes and wish the successful candidate well. With self compassion the experience is less bruising, so we will be less likely to give up.

Self compassion can help us to be more resilient, more able to bounce back from setbacks and more able to ride out difficult challenges.